Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*