“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?