ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.