Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape