If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
This is the one
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.