Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.