Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.