Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW