so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My neck, my back, my…
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
why would tinder want me to say this
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I only eat vegetarians.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!