[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”