Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
R.I.P.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
yes… yes…
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.