Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”