Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
worst…sale…ever
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.