“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.