Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down