[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?