[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Yoga Matt
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.