Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me recordaron éste meme
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?