I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Love thy neighbor’s dog
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
We like the way Dwight thinks
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.