My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
giddy up Office Depot
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs