[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Sex so good you see dead people.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.