Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
You Might Also Like
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.