Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
guilty
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord