[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You Might Also Like
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly