Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that