Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
absolute chaos
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
that lip filler tho
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper