My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Safety first
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew