I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
You Might Also Like
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
How I’d get arrested…
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?