I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
what’s really going on
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code