I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
You Might Also Like
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The cashier just checked me out.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.