[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The glockness monster
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.