I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
New comic up. “Ransom”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Go hard or stay average
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: