son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.