[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING