if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
President The Rock Obama
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.