Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.