181.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance