One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My birthstone is kidney
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t