That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Just as the prophecy foretold
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I don’t get marriage
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”