HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords