Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything