That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now