My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*