I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”