Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket