[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”