If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You Might Also Like
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Ovenable?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.