Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.