My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’m about to risk it all
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”