My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.